When I talk about control with friends, colleagues, or in teaching and training seminars, it’s often suggested that I should find another word to use. Over and over, people have told me that the word “control” has negative connotations and so we should use other words instead. Depending on the context, the alternatives that are offered are words like “regulate” or “steer” or “guide” or “shape”.
For a whole host of reasons, I think it’s a shame that control has a bad rap and I want to do what I can to change that. Perhaps the reason control is not viewed more favourably is because it is misunderstood.
When something is misunderstood, I think we should talk about and study that something more, not less. For that reason, I want to keep talking about control. I want everyone to know just what a groovy phenomenon control is.
Control is nothing more mysterious than making things happen the way you want. Getting to church every Sunday before the first hymn finishes is control, and robbing a bank before the cops turn up is control.
Brand new babies control and sweet little old grannies looking over the top of their spectacles at you control. You control. I control. Even letting go of control is control. Every living thing controls. Control is actually the thing that keeps them living. Blue whales feeding on krill at the South Pole control, and oxpecker birds eating ticks on the backs of zebras roaming across the Serengeti grasslands control.
Control is life. Walking along a busy sidewalk and texting your colleague about where to meet for lunch is control; rocking your baby to sleep is control; kicking your foot out when the doctor taps your patella tendon is control; writing to Santa is control; raising a glass in acknowledgement and admiration is control; teaching your dog to sit on command is control; squinting when you step into the sunlight is control; buying the perfect anniversary gift is control; singing in harmony is control; arranging the knives and forks around the table for dinner is control; cooking your eggs “sunny side up” is control; assuming the Bharadvaja’s Twist yoga pose is control; stopping your car at the red light is control; adjusting the volume is control; calculating the second derivative to find the stationary point on a curve is control; making it across the road before the walk signal stops flashing is control; bending down on one knee to propose is control; fighting to end inequity and discrimination is control; even thinking up examples of control is control!
Is control nature’s most stupendously magnificent achievement? It is so much more marvellous than gravity or lightning. Control could be nature’s most important but also most neglected force. I’m sure you’ve experienced the force of control many times but maybe you haven’t appreciated it for what it is.
If you’ve ever bounded out of bed in the dead of night at the sound of your infant crying, or swerved violently to dodge the deer that just bounded out of the undergrowth, or frantically flung your chair back to avoid the tumbling glass of red wine from splashing on your favourite outfit, you’ll know the force of control that compels you to do something any time there’s a large and sudden difference between the way things are, and the way you want them to be.
Thankfully, large and sudden differences aren’t usually the order of the day. For the most part, control is gloriously mundane. It’s a bit like air. Generally, we never notice the way we use the air around us, unceasingly and unobtrusively, to keep ourselves alive as we inhale and exhale throughout the day. Similarly we mostly don’t notice controlling as we, unceasingly and unobtrusively, act to keep our world the way we want it to be. Unfettered control feels like … nothing. It’s just going with the flow, or getting on with things, or being in the groove.
When problems occur, they are problems of control. Fever is a sign that all is not right with some of the control systems that keep your blood and internal organs the way they should be. Depression is a sign that all is not right with some of the control systems that keep your psychological and social life the way it should be.
Whatever we do in life is control. Getting better at something means getting better at controlling the important parts of that something. Getting better at tennis means getting better at controlling things like the direction and speed of a tennis ball. Getting better at parenting means getting better at controlling things like: how patient you are; how caring you are; how attentive you are; how available you are; how reasonable you are; how considerate you are; and how consistent you are.
Control is not good or bad, in much the same way that rain is not good or bad. It just is. If I’m planning a barbecue on the beach, a thunderstorm will be a darn nuisance. If I’m waiting for my crops to grow, a deluge will be a godsend. And, although you can come in out of the rain, you can’t ever escape control.
Control: it’s only natural. By learning more about control and how it works we’ll have a better chance of getting more of what we want more of the time, and building healthier and happier relationships and communities. Control is as ancient as life itself, but this ancient miracle could hold the key to a new and exciting frontier of carefree, compassionate, and contented social living.
