Why won’t you just do what I tell you to do?! It’s so frustrating. I’ve listened carefully to what you’ve said. I’ve asked questions to make sure I have a good understanding of who you are, where you’re coming from, and why you’re plagued by the troubles that hound you. Believe me, your problems are not so unique. I’ve helped literally dozens of people in your situation before.
This is a made-up stream of thought to be sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if it expresses a sentiment to which many people who have provided help at one time or another, can relate. Giving advice is exorbitantly prolific in our society. The dynamic:
- A tells B about a problem A is experiencing;
- B listens attentively; and then,
- Once B has a sense of having a firm grasp of the problem, B offers A a solution that B considers ideal.
In fact, we’re so confident of our ability to provide meaningful and effective strategies and suggestions, we often skip the first two steps.
At least that seems to be the thinking behind a lot of the help that is dispensed in our society today. A swift scan of LinkedIn or blogs on forums like Psychology Today or the titles of self-help books is illuminating. There’s no apparent end to the steady stream: do this, get that, look here, move there, think X, imagine Y, 9 ways to fix your life, 12 steps to everlasting contentment, and so on and so on and so on.
I’m not questioning the intent of the helpers. I believe without a single skerrick of doubt that the vast majority of people offering help, sincerely do want to help and genuinely want to see some alleviation of the other person’s afflictions. The only snuffer to that flame: following other people’s advice is not the way we’re designed. The extent to which advice from another is precisely followed and routinely offers safe passage out of one’s existing turmoil is vastly overrated.
Mostly, even when it is astoundingly astute, penetratingly insightful, and uncannily sagacious, we can only execute the advice from another in its most general and nebulous of forms. All advice offered from another’s perspective must be shaped and morphed to fit our own view of the world. We are, all of us, a hodgepodge of goals and ideas and beliefs and values and setpoints. Regardless of how intimately two individuals are acquainted, or the length of time they have been in each other’s company, they remain two unique gumbos of expectations and stipulations burbling inside two disconnected heads. Even identical twins are not able to share the same gallimaufry of preferences, priorities, and points of view.
Your way is not my way and my way cannot be your way. And that’s OK. That is as it should be. Problems arise when we try to convince, cajole, or coerce others into believing that our way is the way for them. The problems are compounded rather than relieved if the other person accepts our sales pitch and tries to adopt our way as their own. As much as they might admire us and gaze in awe at the way we go about living our life, they only know us from the outside. The experience of living is a vastly different event depending on the angle that is taken. The inside-looking-out viewpoint has no consistent and straightforward relationship with the outside-looking-in perspectives.
When living is understood in this way, it can perhaps be appreciated that many more problems are created than solved by imploring people to embrace the solutions we have fashioned for them. A far more compassionate and harmonious existence for humanity will be approached when we demonstrate in word and deed our appreciation for the exquisite and mysterious uniqueness we all share. There is no doubt that we can be enormously helpful to each other but, to do that, we need to follow rather than lead and listen rather than lecture. Sometimes, in fact, getting out of the way might be the most helpful thing we can do.
