People experiencing psychological distress often say things like: “I keep telling myself to just get on with it”; or “I don’t know what’s happening to me”; or “I just tell myself to get over it and move on”; or “I can’t stop doing this to myself”; or some other statement about “I” instructing, commanding, manipulating, or scrutinising “me” or “myself”.
A statement such as “I get so fed up with myself” is how the dialogue might be explained to someone else but, experientially, people are often just aware of internal chatter such as “Come on, get on with it” or “Jeez, here you go again!”. Even in this form, however, it is evident that one entity is communicating with another entity.
Who is saying what to whom? Who is “I” and who is “me”? If “I” hate “myself”, who or what is doing the hating and who or what is being hated?
When we explore these statements it seems like “I” and “me” don’t have such a great relationship with each other. Often, it seems that “I” needs to use “myself” to get things done, but does so without any appreciation of what “myself” might be trying to accomplish. The I and me statements typically convey some kind of battle, struggle, dilemma, or conflict. People living with mental anguish typically don’t say “I just tell myself I’m really glad you’re around”.
One man, in the context of having a great deal of trouble giving up smoking, described his “I” as strong and confident and his “me” as a small, needy, school-boy. In this situation it was strong and confident who wanted to stop smoking and the small, needy, school-boy who wanted to keep smoking. During the conversation it became apparent that Mr Strong & Confident had no appreciation of what Master Small & Needy wanted and Master Small & Needy wasn’t too keen on helping Mr Strong & Confident get what he wanted.
While “I” and “myself” might not be such great buddies when people are psychologically tormented, successful experiences seem to reveal a different kind of relationship. Elite athletes, for example, when speaking about their gruelling schedules, might say “Even though I want my family and country to be proud of me, ultimately I’m doing this for myself”. This sort of statement suggests an “I” and “myself” alliance that is unlike those times when “I” is bossing “myself” around. So the way in which “I” and “myself” connect with each other is an important factor in the experience of either distress or contentment and achievement.
Ultimately in fact, when individuals are just getting on with what they want to get on with, there might not be a sense of a separated “I” and “me” at all. At these times perhaps there are internal statements such as “Come on! We can do this” or “Let’s go!” or even just an appreciation of the specialness of the moment such as “This is wonderful!”.
Whenever you are het up, miffed, or troubled you might be able to become aware of statements like the ones I have described. In those situations, getting more familiar with both your “I” and your “me” might pay dividends. What are the qualities of “I” and what are the qualities of “myself”? Consider the statement “I just tell myself to calm down and take it one step at a time”. What is the quality of this “I” and why does “myself” need to be told to calm down? What would “myself” do without this instruction? What is “I” wanting to achieve and what is “myself” striving for that is producing the uncalmness?
What are you saying to yourself right now? How would you describe the relationship between “I” and “myself”? And, more than that, how would you describe the you that is considering this question?
The relationship between “I” and “me” is important for your state of mind
Getting to know all of you is the key to abiding contentment and satisfaction. How about you let your “I” and “myself” get to know each other a little better? The more that you can find common ground between them, things that they both want out of life, a direction that they are both excited to head towards hand in hand, the more enriched and fulfilling your life will be.
The very next time “I” heads to a state of paradise, take “me” along for the ride.
