Do you ever behave in ways that you wish you didn’t? Or do you ever find yourself blurting something out and then immediately regretting what you said? Maybe there have been times when you’ve done something and then later wondered why you did it.
We all have times when we act “out of character” or find ourselves thinking “Why did I do that? That’s just not me!”
These unwanted or “bad” behaviors can range from simple things like not being able to refuse the second serving of banoffee pie to much more major events like having an affair. Whatever the scale or magnitude of the deed, the experience of acting against “the real me” or “what I really want” is common.
The key to changing unwanted behaviors is to find and get to know that place in your mind where the behavior is not unwanted.
The curious thing about unwanted behavior is that they’re only unwanted from a particular perspective. The unwanted behavior are as much a legitimate part of the “real” you as the behavior that seem more helpful and constructive. Contentment and peace of mind occur when all of a person’s behavior are consistent with the person they want to be and the life they want to live from all different angles and perspectives.
Perhaps you tell yourself that you’d like to spend less time emailing everyday, yet, despite your best intentions, you find yourself logging on and replying to the messages in your inbox. Or maybe each morning you plan to have an “alcohol-free” night tonight but, when you get home at the end of a long day, you somehow end up with a beer or glass of wine in your hand.
The behavior themselves are never the problem. The problem is the discrepancy or angst these behavior create by conflicting with other ways a person wants to live. There is nothing wrong, for example, in wanting to have an exciting and intimate relationship with someone you’ve grown close to. When that relationship, however, torments the ideas you have of being a faithful and loving spouse, then problems will occur. Similarly, responding to emails is only ever a problem if you’re emailing and not wanting to be emailing at the same time.
behavior are always linked to goals in a curious and beautiful relationship of cause and effect circles that necessarily includes the environment in its dance. This just means that it’s a bit pointless spending time isolating the “cause” of any particular behavior. The cause of every behavior is “I want to.” The trick is to find the I that’s wanting to, because there are most definitely some other Is who don’t want to.
And “wanting to” simply refers to goals that are always associated with all behavior. Behaviors are a means to an end. They are not the end in themselves. The ends are the myriad of goals that make up the intricate network of who we are. The goals are demands for what must be experienced and the behaviors cooperate with the environment to bring that experience about.
So, if you want to change the amount of time you spend emailing then, paradoxically, you need to focus less on all the good things about reducing your emailing time. You already know all that. You’re very aware of the benefits of time away from email. What you’re not so familiar with is what you love about the emailing you do.
If you can just quell the instinctive “But I don’t love it!” protest for a minute or two and simply focus on emailing, even think about what life would be like if the ability to email was taken away, then notice the thoughts that drift through your mind. You might get a sense of where the pull or the urge to “just quickly check” your emails comes from. Maybe you like the sense of being in touch and connected with people you care about. Perhaps you just like having a tidy inbox. Could it be that you get irritated when people take a long time to respond to your emails and you’re not going to be one of those people?
The same line of thinking can be applied to any “bad” behavior or any behavior you’re trying to change. Instead of thinking about all the benefits of an alcohol free night, think about what’s great about that first sip after a long day at the office. Do you like the relaxing feeling, do you deserve a reward after a hard day’s work, do you maybe like proving that you can handle your drink? Whatever it is, it’s the goals associated with the behavior that you wish you didn’t do that are the key to getting all your Is to play nicely together.
Nothing happens without a reason. Not when it comes to behavior anyway. Often, behaviors can provide a clue to the reasons but if you can think less about the happenings and more about the reasons, you’ll be more successful at building the happenings that all of you, your whole self, is contented with.
