When people are troubled or distressed it is not uncommon for them to be told that it is their avoidance of what is troubling them that is making the situation worse. The solution often involves finding ways to encourage people to confront that which they fear. While the solution is sound in many respects, the way in which the problem is conceptualised has some flaws.
The problem with a troubled or distressed mind is never avoidance. If a person could avoid a problem there wouldn’t be a problem. The definition of “avoid” from www.dictionary.com is “to keep away from, keep clear of, shun” and “to prevent from happening”. So, based on this definition, if we could keep away from, shun, or prevent from happening those troubling images, thoughts, feelings, and voices that torment us, there wouldn’t be a problem.
The problem is not avoidance. The problem is that we can’t avoid the things we would like to avoid. Perhaps the manager at work uses insults and sarcasm as a way of communicating. You might dearly love to avoid the verbal barbs that are aimed in your direction every day but you also have to earn money to pay the bills. If you could avoid this manager you would but you can’t if you want your weekly wage.
Or maybe you really like those feelings of confidence and satisfaction that you briefly get when you follow your instincts and make things turn out the way you want. You would love those feelings to hang around more permanently but it is also important to you that your friends and colleagues appreciate what you do. While you very much want to avoid their rolled eyes and disparaging gestures you also want for them to recognise how capable you are so you continue attempting to dislodge encouragement and endorsement from them even though that means you are unable to avoid their retorts.
People try to avoid their favourite food when they are dieting or they try to avoid cigarettes when they are trying to quit smoking.
We spent a great deal of time and energy trying to avoid the things we find unpleasant but we can’t avoid them. We can’t avoid them because we are generating them at the same time that we are trying to avoid them. They are our thoughts, our images, our feelings, our desires, and our goals.
Avoidance that involves a great deal of trying or effort is really conflict in disguise. In these situations there is a conflict between wanting to stop smoking and wanting to continue smoking, or wanting to avoid your nasty manager and wanting to keep your job, or wanting to avoid your colleague’s disapproval but wanting their encouragement.
Unconflicted avoidance is a perfectly reasonable strategy that we use every day. When I am driving in traffic I successfully avoid hitting other cars. When I am walking along the pavement I avoid bumping into other pedestrians. I avoid swimming in shark infested waters and I avoid putting my finger in the path of the knife while I am slicing garlic.
Whenever avoidance seems very difficult it might be useful to take a moment to look more closely at that which you are trying to avoid. What makes avoidance so hard in this particular situation? What is behind the sense of trying that accompanies the avoidance you want to create?
If you can identify the other side to the avoidance dynamic, the side that is making avoidance so hard, you will be well on your way to coming up with some solutions that do not involve engaging in a battle with yourself.
